But I've Opened Up My Eyes
by The Girl in the Red Jacket
Summary: It hurts to lose someone. It hurts even more when you know...


Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't know who does. 

Author's Note: This is not the Billy/Jason fic I'm working on. This is my stupid owl of a muse hitting the window when this song, which is Sorry by Our Lady Peace, was playing. Something somewhat happier will be coming soon. I promise.It was unusually cheerful that day.

Edited to add: Another songfic where the lyrcis have been removed. The song was Sorry by Our Lady Peace.

It was as cheerful as it normally was in Angel Grove. The sun was shining merrily on the procession that passed through the cemetery gates that Saturday morning. It just seemed so very wrong that the sun could still shine today of all days.

At least, that's how it felt to Jason Lee Scott as he let his best friend lead him to the new grave stone. He was too numb to find his own way.

"It should be raining." He mumbled thickly.

That earned him a confused look from his old English teacher but Tommy just sighed and nodded slightly. He had been acting as Jason's keeper since they had found him and knew that his thoughts were not all the coherent most of the time.

But after finding Billy...after finding him like that Tommy couldn't blame Jason. It was one thing to see him in the coffin, pale and wax like and dead, it was another thing all together to see him like Jason had.

Putting that coffin in the ground was hard enough.

* * *

The first time Tommy had seen Jason after Billy had...after it had happened was at the hospital. The appearance of his best friend had startled him. Jason was white as a sheet and trembling slightly. His hands opened and closed every now and again as if he was trying to grasp onto something and his clothing was spotted with a red substance. It looked like he had been painting something.

It took Tommy a few moments to realize it was blood. Fresh blood that hadn't had enough time to dry and look like the ugly substance it was.

He hadn't acknowledged Tommy when he came into the room. He hadn't responded when Tommy tried to talk to him. He hadn't said anything or moved from the chair until a nurse had hesitantly approached them and dealt the death blow to Jason's shattering heart.

Jason had abruptly gotten to his feet and walked out of the emergency ward. Tommy hadn't followed immediately wanting to give Jason space if he needed it. After a few minutes he went outside as well, thinking he'd find Jason sitting outside crying or something.

Instead he found him doing his damn best to kill the brick wall with his fists.

It took Tommy and two orderlies to get him to stop by physically restraining him. Jason had just gone past the point of reason. He had been sedated so that his battered, bloody knuckles could be taken care of.

Tommy still winced to see the slowly healing skin when Jason had to change the bandages. It reminded him of that hellish night when Jason's world had exploded.

And he knew the scars left behind would never fully heal.

* * *

Tommy was beginning to wonder if this had been such a good idea.

He knew that they had to clean out Billy's apartment at some point. And some point had to be soon because of the landlord being an inconsiderate asshole. Kim had had a few "words" with him when earlier and wasn't there because of it. It was just him and Jason.

And he wasn't sure bringing Jason had been the best idea.

But when Tommy was leaving he found Jason sitting in his car waiting for him. That had solved the dilemma of whether or not to broach the subject to him. He was just glad Kim didn't mind it when Jason ended up camping out on their couch because he couldn't deal with being alone. He was sure that would be happening tonight.

So far Jason hadn't been much help though Tommy hadn't expected him to be. He had wandered around the little apartment and picked up certain items. Sometimes they brought a ghost of a smile to his face. Sometimes when Tommy asked what he was thinking he would answer with a story about their shy friend. Sometimes he got a slight head shake. Sometimes Jason's shoulders just slumped before he wandered off into another room.

At this point Tommy would take what he could get. Anything that showed Jason was starting, or at least trying, to heal was enough.

* * *

It was late afternoon when a crash brought Tommy rushing into Billy's home office. That sound did not bode well after the few episodes of anger Jason had shown since that night at the hospital. Tommy knew he wouldn't hurt himself intentionally but sometimes when he took his rage out on innocent objects it ended up with him hurt.

Like his poor hands...

Fortunately he didn't find his friend trying to punch holes in the walls again. He did find a shattered mug and Jason cradling a delicate glass angel.

"Why..." Tommy began.

"It was blocking it." Jason said softly as if that explained everything. A slight shudder ran through him and he placed the angel back in its place. "It doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't matter anymore."

With that he left the room.

Tommy sighed. He picked up the angel and a sad smile stole over his face in recognition. He knew the story behind the unusual ornament. It was an abnormally sentimental item in the cluttered apartment and not something Billy showed to many people.

Billy's mother had colleted angel figures. The little, delicate glass one Tommy held was her favourite. It had been a present from some distant relative when Billy was born. It had been placed with the other angels she had until her death.

After she died suddenly in a car accident two weeks after Billy's seventh birthday the angel had gone missing. Billy's father later found it on the bookshelf across from Billy's bed two weeks later. He had told Billy how delicate it was, how easy it was to break and how important it was not to break it but had let the boy keep it there.

If it was blocked by anything Billy noticed and became agitated very quickly. It was just one of the little quirks Billy had.

Tommy couldn't move for a few minutes. He felt like someone was pressing down on his chest as a fresh wave of grief crushed him. He didn't dare put the fragile angel down for fear his blurry eyes would misjudge how close to the edge it was. He couldn't risk breaking the little thing. He just couldn't!

When the tears washed away and he could ensure the little treasure wouldn't be in danger he went after Jason. He was surprised to find him huddled against the wall in the bathroom, his head resting on his knees as he stared blindly at the floor.

Rocky and Zack had come and clean up already. Adam was supposed to have helped but hadn't been able to stand it too long before running out of the room and retching in the kitchen sink.

It looked like nothing had happened in there now.

* * *

Tommy sat down in front of his friend, all too aware that where he was sitting had probably been where...No; he wasn't going to go there. He had to help Jason. He couldn't do that if he fell to pieces himself.

"Jase?" His voice was gentle.

"I'm sorry." Jason's voice was barely audible. Tommy noticed his eyes weren't focussed on anything.

"For what?"

"I did this." Jason swallowed. "I did this. They took it away. They cleaned it up but the blood...I can still see it in my dreams. I can still feel it. Slippery and everywhere. I...I tried to stop it but there wasn't anything to stop anymore. I..."

"Jason, this wasn't your fault." Tommy told him. Jason wasn't the guilt king he was but that didn't mean he wasn't going to feel responsible. Hell, Tommy had tried to find a way to pin the guilt of Billy's death on himself until Kim managed to knock some sense into him.

"It was. You don't...You don't understand. You don't know..." Jason's head tilted back slightly so he was not seeing over Tommy's head. "I should have known...After his dad died he was so lost. He was floundering and we all knew it. I wanted to help but...He reached out to me but...Oh God. I'm so sorry. I didn't know he would...I didn't think I..."

"Shh." Tommy could see Jason losing control, edging on hysteria. "Jase..."

Jason's hand suddenly clutched his arm. The midnight eyes blazed with a strange kind of desperation that left Tommy feeling a bit shaken. "I can't anymore. I can't...I need to say it. Please. You won't...I...Please..."

"Okay, Jase."

Jason's whole body sagged. He looked at Tommy with a bleakness and resignation that made Tommy dread what he was about to say.

* * *

"I was here. I...You know I'd been spending a lot of time with Billy. He was just so...out of it because of his dad. They never seemed close but they relied on each other so much. His death just..." Jason sighed. "You know what it did to him. He was so hurt."

Tommy nodded. But Billy hadn't been suicidal over his father's death. Tommy knew that. Hurting badly, yes, needing his friend's support, yes, but suicidal, no.

"I don't know why...What he was thinking but...We were watching a movie. I don't know what it was..."

Tommy had a good idea. He had removed Lord of the Rings from the VCR earlier.

"I said something...I can't remember...It must have seemed...He just looked at me and his eyes...I don't know why but he...he said 'I may regret this' and then...and then..."

Jason's fingers involuntarily brushed over his lips. A wistful, dreamlike flicker passed over his face.

Tommy immediately understood and wasn't surprised in the least. He thought things had happened between those two long before this!

"I...Nothing has ever been like that. Nothing will ever be like that again. It felt like...It felt like...everything..."

Tommy would have smiled. He knew that feeling all too well. He had been levelled by his fiancés kiss more than once. Would have smiled. But he knew that wasn't the end. If it was...Jason wouldn't be sitting here telling him if that was the end. Billy wouldn't be in the ground if that were the end.

"I didn't feel anything but...that...everything...him...for...I don't know how long. But then I...God, I...Something snapped. I pushed him away and..."

Jason swallowed and his hands clenched into tight fists even though the strain on his knuckles had to be painful.

"I ran away...but...his face...the look on his face as I ran out of the room...just...shattered..."

Tommy had a good idea of what Billy's face must have looked like. It was right in front of him, painted on dark features instead of fair ones.

"I was scared. I didn't think...If I had thought I never would have left...I just couldn't deal with it...I didn't date a lot but I figured...I figured I was just waiting for the right person...I didn't think it would be him...my friend...a guy...I never considered...but it made so much sense...When I stopped running...It made so much sense...It was true. It was right. It was...How could I never notice? How could I have done that? How could...I can't..."

Tommy's hand came to rest on his arm.

"I came back. I came back to make things right. I had to. I couldn't when I knew. When I had my eyes forced open but...but..."

But it was too late. Tommy knew that.

"I...The door was open...It was late I thought he'd be in his bedroom or maybe still...He wasn't anywhere and then...here..."

Jason's eyes lost focus again. For a moment Tommy thought he was going to pass out but he kept talking.

"So much...so much blood...I tried to stop it but...but...He didn't need to cut his wrists. He had already swallowed so many pills he didn't need to...but...he had made so many cuts...I was afraid I was hurting him when I wrapped the towel around his arm but he was so still...I couldn't believe...He couldn't leave like that not when...I came back because I had been an idiot. I knew. I had to make things right...It...It wasn't supposed to happen like this..."

* * *

Tommy couldn't stand it anymore. He enfolded Jason in his arms and tried to shush him. Jason's hands fisted in the fabric of his shirt and he buried his head in Tommy's shoulder as a soft wailing sound escaped his throat.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean...wasn't supposed to be like this...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."

The gasped words soon became on long garbled sound as Tommy tried to comfort him.

Knowing he couldn't and would never be able to...


End file.
